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В спортивном магазине жена выбирает тренажер. Встав на беговую дорожку, она говорит мужу:
– Дорогой, если ты купишь мне ее, я буду выглядеть, как старшеклассница.
– Дорогая, это всего лишь беговая дорожка, а не машина времени.
* * *
Женщина, приобретая в салоне меховое манто, расплачивается на кассе, извлекая из сумочки и карманов скомканные и мокрые деньги. На недоуменный взгляд кассира она отвечает:
– Муж так рыдал, так рыдал...
* * *
Пациент — врачу-венерологу:
– Доктор, что вы можете сказать о результатах моих анализов?
– Вирусная база успешно обновлена.

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Moscow Mayor Promises $70,000 Reward for Olympic Medalists

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Sergei Sobyanin, Mayor of Moscow, has promised a reward of four million rubles ($69,500) to every Muscovite who brings back a gold medal from the Olympics.
Almost 170 Russian athletes are competing in the Winter Olympics in Pyeongchang. They are competing under a neutral flag following doping allegations and have won five medals so far, none gold.


Russian Football League Postpones Presidential-Election Day Games

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Russia’s football Premier League has reportedly postponed four matches between top teams that coincide with the presidential elections.
Vladimir Putin is expected to secure a fourth term in office when voters go to the polls on March 18. His administration is widely reported to be pursuing a turnout of 70 percent.
The four fixtures are listed “date to be confirmed” on the league’s website. The teams involved are first-place Lokomotiv, runners-up Zenit and Spartak and fifth-place CSKA.


Half of Russia’s Presidential Candidates Report False Income

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Four out of eight candidates registered in Russia’s presidential elections next month are believed to have misreported their income to election officials.
Candidates are required to report the amount and sources of their and their spouses’ incomes dating back six years, according to a list of registration documents approved by Russia’s Central Elections Commission (CEC) last fall.
“We have four candidates with unreliable income data. They have all been made aware of that,” Ella Pamfilova, the head of Russia’s CEC, said in comments carried by Interfax.


Russia’s Oldest Polar Bear in Captivity Dies at 38

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Russia’s oldest polar bear has died at the age of 38, a zoo in Perm has announced.
Polar bear Amderma was captured in the Yamal-Nenets autonomous region in 1989 and her carers estimate she was born in 1980. After brief stays in zoos in Moscow, St. Petersburg and Kazan, she finally found sanctuary in Perm.
The death occurred on Feb. 7, but was not reported by the zoo until this week. “She lived there happily for 21 years, giving birth to five healthy cubs,” the zoo’s press service said in an online statement.


Moscow Named Second Worst City for Traffic Jams in the World — Report

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Moscow has the second worst traffic jams in the world, according to a study by the INRIX analytics company published Tuesday.
According to the report, a driver in Moscow spent 91 hours in traffic last year, or about 26% of total driving time, the RBC business daily cited the report as saying. At rush hour, Muscovites spent 34% of their time stuck in traffic.
Only Los Angeles, where drivers spent 102 hours a year or 12% of their driving time in traffic, was worse than Moscow, according to the report.


Kremlin Trains Falcons Capable of Taking Down Drones

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The Kremlin possesses hawks and falcons that can hunt down and intercept drones that threaten the airspace of its heavily-fortified complex in central Moscow, a source in the security forces told the state-run RIA Novosti news agency Monday.
The government’s 45-year-old ornithology service employs falcons, hawks and eagle-owls to protect against crows.
The source told RIA that the birds of prey have the capacity to take down unmanned aerial vehicles over the Kremlin, but that it was “better to use falcons instead of hawks.”


Birth Rate Hits 10-Year Low in Russia

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Russia’s birth rate has fallen to the lowest level in a decade, with just 1.69 million births recorded last year, despite government efforts to reverse the demographic trend, according to official data.
The government plans to spend $8.6 billion over three years to encourage Russians to have more babies starting this election year. The measures include mortgage subsidies and payments to new and growing families. The country’s state statistics agency Rosstat registered 203,400 fewer births in 2017 compared to 2016, a drop of 10.7 percent, according to data published Monday. This marks the lowest birth rate since 2007 when 1.6 million births were recorded.


Orthodox Churches Don’t Need Building Permits — Russian Official

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Who needs a building permit when you have God’s will on your side?
At least that is the logic guiding a government official at the center of a dispute over the construction of a new church in St. Petersburg.
A disgruntled resident complained at a public hearing Monday that the Russian Orthodox Church was building a 32-meter-tall temple without the proper paperwork, the Fontanka.ru news website reported.
“Why do we have different building regulations for the Russian Orthodox Church, whereas no investor in the city has a right to build without receiving the necessary permits?” the resident asked.
“Is it possible for God’s temple to be built without permission? This is decided from above,” Andrei Khobets, a local government official, was cited as saying in response.

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